I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
