why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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