Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize