so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
love makes seman taste better
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
