I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
