I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
