I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
