I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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