cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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