so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
