if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
