I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
