Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
