my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
