he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
