If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
