That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
