Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
