just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
