cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
