I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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