now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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