he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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