based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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