The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
