Four minutes until I can fart!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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