Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
