Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
