nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
