Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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