he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
