sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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