I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
