Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
