You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
