Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize