did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
