running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
