4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
