Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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