a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
