I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
