You made me cry and you don't even care
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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