this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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