did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
