An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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