There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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