I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
