u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
