I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
