ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
