Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize