There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
