I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
