he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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