yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
