why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize