You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
