dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can you bring me the toilet please
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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