I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize