I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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