we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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