so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
